Turning inward

On my way home yesterday after playing at an oncology unit, I reflected on what I could write. I could write about the middle-age daughter of an elderly patient who broke down into tears as I played "Amazing Grace"; I could write about the "picture-perfect" old couple who listened with as much enthusiasm as grandparents listen to their grandchild; I could write about the young man who wanted me to "lift" his spirits even though "they weren't really low, you know"; I could also write about the last patient I played for the night--an Asian gentleman who sat up so straight on his chair and looked so serious that I felt like I was being auditioned.

I could write about all of these. But somehow, my thoughts turned to myself as I watched the tiny spots of lit windows and passing cars reflected on the Hudson.

A chain of questions kept on repeating in my head: Did I do enough? Did I play well enough? Was there anything I could have done that I did not do? Somehow, the appreciative words, smiles and tears of the strangers could not convince me that I did something worthwhile. My mind went numb from the pounding of these questions, going on and on like a broken record.

I was then reminded of the words of my pastor, spoken a while ago in a Sunday sermon. He talked about the danger of reflecting inward. No matter what one has done, how much one has invested in it, it is always possible to find a hole somewhere in there that isn't filled (or one may think that she has found a hole). Discouragement can easily and quickly snowball to the extent of losing all motivation to keep going. Something that started as self-evaluation (if left unchecked) can not only become overly critical, but even destructive to a mission we have been given.

The "trick" is not psychological maneuver. We have all tried that, but it seldom works. The truth is, we are mere instruments of God, who puts those who belong to Him in places where they can shine the most for Him and benefit those around them. Just as the basic requirement for a violin is to stay in tune and allow the violinist to do his part, all I have to do is to continue being there for those around me. It is my lifelong aspiration to be God's violin, to make music for Him. He alone knows what He is playing and what those who listen need to hear.